


A Heart in Turmoil

by Etheriei



Category: Saving Hope
Genre: F/F, Syd (Lins new cat)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-11
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-10-17 14:38:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 18,263
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10596066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Etheriei/pseuds/Etheriei
Summary: Since Sydney was introduced and even before their first kiss, I have always thought that they had such incredible chemistry and belonged together. So here lies my fail attempt at making things the way they were supposed to be.Hi there. So this is my first fan fiction ever. I am working on updating and re-editing this work. So please check it out and see if you like the changes ... or not.





	1. A Broken Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The beginnings of my end. How Maggie and Sydney slowly drifted apart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there. So this is my first fan fiction ever. I just have always felt that Sydney and Maggie were meant to be together, so I wrote this story

 

This feeling of foreboding had been developing at a snail pace rate over the last few weeks till up until this exact moment. A feeling that things were not going to work out the way my heart wished it would. But alas as strong as my feelings were I was still not brave enough to admit them, especially to the one that it would matter the most to. These days my life was just **too** busy. So many last minute operations and trauma shifts that I had no time to focus on “idle” imaginations.

But yet despite what I wanted, I was falling… Falling so very hard for an auburn haired beauty named Sydney Katz. I knew it had really started the day we first met. Her fiery temper together with her oh-so-serious attitude piqued my interest. The time we spent together and the moments we shared only deepened my feelings for her. She was constantly on my mind and I couldn’t help but think of that time we shared on the hospital bunk not that long ago talking about our lives and how she had felt like she was falling with no control. I wished I had been honest right then and told her exactly how I felt, because now she was gone (not yet in the physical sense but more to do with her emotional availability). After breaking it off with her fiancé, Sydney became distant to everyone (including myself) and it felt like she was never really there. I tried to understand why but she never let me in. It was as if she put her protective walls back up, but this time much higher than they had ever been before. Life had just evolved into the daily tasks of emergencies, new patients and intense operations for the both of us, so I let it slide albeit unconsciously. And then of course, tragedy stuck in the form of Joel dying in that freak military demonstration. Life was hectic and my heart was pulled in every possible direction so things like feelings just had to wait their turn.

Never knowing that this problem with my heart was way bigger than I had thought and that it would end up blowing up in my face (just like the bomb that took Joel away from us but only an emotionally charged bomb). It was only two days later that it was found but alas I had no hopes of diffusing as it was way too late.

 I had come to work on a rather dreary and gloomy day. The clouds were a dark grey color and wrapped themselves around the city of Toronto. It was as if it was desperately trying to warn me of something but…. I was too tired and sleepy from all the late night shifts and crazy trauma to notice.

I walked into Hope Zion with a smile on my face. Today had to be a good day!

 I tried to ignore the growing knot that kept on mutilating itself while growing ever larger at a gradual pace. Every step I took ingrained it further into my being.

I took a deep breath and skipped all the way to the changing rooms where I put away my handbag and pulled on my doctors’ coat. The room was empty and other than myself, there was no sign of life. But yet everything seemed normal but yet it was far from my normal.

* * *

 

_The previous night I had tried to settle my growing fears by texting Sydney but had not yet received any reply. So my first goal of the day was to confront her and get the answers to my messages face to face._

                                                     

* * *

 

I determinedly made my way to the staff room after fetching my daily cup of coffee. Alex and Charlie were having an animated conversation. Zach was dozing off already. The interns were studying some complex surgery. I almost got knocked over by a distracted, distraught Shahir. He hurriedly apologized and rushed out of the room. I was a little bit confused by this exchange as Shahir was usually calm….I wondered what could have caused this sudden change in him. I shrugged my shoulders and pulled myself off to Sydney’s office. The door was closed so I gently knocked three times (my signature knock) and waited for confirmation to enter. But alas there was only silence that greeted me. I knocked again only to be greeted by silence again. It was one thing to ignore my texts but to ignore my very obvious presence outside your door was totally not ok. I grabbed the door handle and yanked it open.

 

The sight before my eyes caused my body to go into shock. It was as if this room had never been used. Gone was the familiar scent that I had grown to love so much. Gone were all her nerdy books. Gone was the bouquet of flowers I had sent to thank her for helping me to finish my board exam. And gone were those funny glasses I so often teased her about. It was empty. She had cleared out and left without a word.

I was angry, frustrated and heart broken. Why had she not even told me the where and why? Was it that hard to just respond to my texts? I stormed out of the room and set out to lock up all the feelings and emotions away forever. **SHE** was not worth it.

Unbeknownst to me, my phone had been ringing off and on for the last few hours, but I was stuck elsewhere and had no knowledge of this. Someone was trying to get hold of me. The phone wasn’t heard by anyone though as it lay in my lonely locker.

Earlier in the day, I had slammed it into my so very empty locker in utter frustration with that red head. So it rang and rang. My day continued with many new trauma cases. The rain clouds that had been threatening earlier in the day had now become a full on storm which had caused a huge collision in the city center and new patients just kept on being brought in. Finally I found myself at home and had no other thought than to collapse into my warm, inviting bed. Which I promptly did.

The next day I awoke with a start. I had overslept and immediately started stressing out thinking I was now late for surgeries and appointments, totally forgetting that today was my day off. So in my flurry I anxiously looked for my phone but to no avail. I pulled open all my drawers and yanked out my dirty washing from its basket. Rummaged through my room like a crazy person and finally glanced down to my own self and that’s when it hit me.. I had forgotten it in my locker since I had thrown it so far in and it had not occurred to me that it wasn’t with me. Damn. So now, on my day off, I dragged myself back to that very locker. I tried to ignore the glances and greetings from people as I stormed into the locker room. I was in no mood for chatting and wanted peace and quiet for once. Finally my phone was in my hands but to my disappointment and frustration, it was out of battery. I couldn’t help the tirade of cursing that ensued as I grumpily made my way back home.

Was this world seriously out to get me?

 


	2. Faking IT

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pretending that all is well

On the way back home, I decided I was going to attempt to have a full day of solitude spent in my most wonderfully quite apartment. Thankfully the taxi ride was quick and uneventful. I made it home in no time and immediately put my phone on to charge not even bothering to switch it on again. I was so done with it. It had proven to not be my friend today of all days… or so I thought in my period of irrationality. It was still too early in the morning and I had already been deprived of sleep. Coffee was a much better alternative than my phone for receiving empathy.

Coffee always understands.

I suppose I was utterly and completely exhausted as I found I had somehow dozed off… on the counter! Another tirade of curses escaped my lips as I stretched and realized the position I had found myself in had been kept for more than 3 hours. How had I fallen asleep there and then on my kitchen counter? Ugh really, can things just start to be normal for me or will I forever be cursed with tragedy, relationship traumas and just undesirable happenings left right and center?

I was interrupted in my musings by a somewhat piercing but insistent ringing. My brain registered that it was my phone ringing but yet I couldn’t remember for the life of me where I had placed it. The sound just increased in volume and insistency. Finally I saw it vibrating in circles near my toaster where it had been desperately trying to rejuvenate its non-existent life force hours before. I grabbed it and quickly pressed the green call button hoping that I was not too late in answering.

“Hello” Silence. Oh well, seems that I had missed the caller. I was about to put the phone away when I heard a somewhat familiar voice.

“Hi” It was an awkward hi and I felt like the person was feeling somewhat guilty in some way about something. I knew that voice all too well and quickly all the anger just came piling back.

“Sydney”

“Uh, Hi Maggie, Yeah, It’s me. Did you not read the caller ID? Why have you not been answering my calls? Are you ignoring me?”

Silence. I couldn’t believe the words that were coming out of her mouth. Totally forgetting that I hadn’t actually looked at my phone in one whole day. “Are you serious?”

“What do you mean Maggie? Of course I am serious? I tried calling you multiple times yesterday but you never picked up? Did I do something wrong?”

What the hell! Was she being serious now? Did she do something wrong? OF course she did.. She just left without a word. At this point I couldn’t even think straight. Those emotions I had told myself to keep locked up were mixing with the angry ones. It was all becoming a chaotic cacophony inside my head as various thoughts caused by minimal sleep, anger and frustration crossed paths.

I found myself asking her why she left in a very demanding tone.

She responded in silence. For a whole minute there was just the sound of some stupid birds singing outside my flat and an ambulance driving by.

“Maaaagie”

“What?” I huffed into the phone.

“I left you a message. Did you not read it?  A patient flew me over for a surgery. I did not have time to tell you personally so I thought a simple message would do. But it seems you have been purposefully ignoring me.”

NO, she was so not doing this.  “NO, JUST NO, YOU are not blaming this on me. I have been so busy with work. So very busy and things have just not slowed down for me. Then tragedy struck amongst ALL that chaos. I haven’t been able to think clearly for most days. So no, YOU are not going to tell me I am ignoring YOU just because I happen to prioritize work to being on my phone 24/7 and then forgetting said damned phone at work.”

There was silence on the other end of the phone.

“When are you coming back” I found myself asking. I couldn’t really be mad at her for long. I had discovered that long ago.

“Hmm, hopefully not long. Look Maggie, I’m sorry I assumed the worst I just didn’t know what to think. I should be more thoughtful. I didn’t think of Joel and the craziness that is your life now, but I will be back soon I promise. Then we can talk and catch up on all the great things that are happening in your life, ok?”

Did she think of me as a kid who was overreacting because I didn’t get my way? Argh this was all so lame. Having to tip toe around things just because it was “easier” than facing the truth.

“OK, ok. I’m sorry for getting mad at you but finding your office totally cleared out scared the shit out of me” I thought for a minute “Did you really have to clear your office to do work for a client?”

“Mag’s, it’s not only a client. It’s a prospective job that I am doing as well. I had to clear out because I’m also moving apartments where I will have my own office. It seemed more convenient to have all those things there than at Hope Zion.

I didn’t even let her finish. “What the hell Syd, you said you would be back soon.”

(I knew I probably was sounding like a spoilt rotten kid or a jealous lover or worse so an angry wife. But I didn’t care anymore, my heart was too fragile to be trodden on over and over again.)

“I’m not leaving. Stop over-reacting. It’s just a prospective job opening.”

  
“Prospective job!. And what happens if you get it huh? What then?” These words just popped out of my mouth before I could think them through.

“Maggie, why are you acting like this? Is there a problem that you have not told me about? We are friends so of course you have a right to be a little upset. But don’t you think this is a bit overboard?”

I couldn’t take this anymore. It was too much. I knew I had told myself to be brave and not put my heart on the line anymore but I just was too chicken. That red button had never given me such relief before.

Avoiding the problem never actually helped anyone. I knew that but yet I was not ready to face my darkest fear and crazy pent up emotions. I ran to my room and cried it all out.

When I finally was able to breathe like a normal person again I pulled out my phone and was greeted with a dozen or more messages from Sydney. She was concerned and I knew I had acted rather immaturely but what she had said was too close to my truth and I felt embarrassed to admit it to her. I decided to avoid the problem and her completely.

* * *

 

Turns out she got the job. And of course she moved cities. It panned out just as I predicted.

I pulled away from life and social activities as much as was possible. When I wasn’t working I was sitting at home either moping, watching some stupid tv series or reading some medical studies. My life continued as before minus Sydney and her red hair.

Operations, Trauma cases, Appointments, the odd night out with Alex and boring times spent in the on call room with colleagues. I tried to put a smile on my face but most often than not it turned into a grimace. But no one commented so I figured it was alright and more importantly I was alright.

 

Gradually I thought I was getting over Sydney and forgetting her. I supposed she forgot about me too. But the truth was that I thought of her and about her whenever I could. I would always chide myself for this but yet it still continued. She could not be mine. So I desperately tried to put her out of my thoughts and mind. She had run away yet again and so didn’t need to know that I cared for her more than a fried should and she definitely didn’t need to know that my heart was already hers for the taking. I wrapped up my heart in cotton wool, tied it up and locked it away to be safe from prowling thoughts and emotions. It seemed to work at least during working hours.


	3. Barely Alive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Horrific events of the terrorist bombing. Since this story is written from Maggies' point of view, it is mostly focused on her experiences and emotions during this time. Who knows maybe I will write another corresponding story from Sydney's point of view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry if there are grammar errors and typos. I just really wanted to get another chapter out. I will try to finish writing some more chapters tomorrow so that I don't keep you waiting too long.  
> In the following chapters the emotional angst will increase significantly since I feel it was canon.

 

What started out as just another normal day, suddenly became tainted by chaos and tragedy all around me. It was the day of the grand race to support charity. I had entered earlier in the year and almost would have forgotten about it if not for Alex reminding me about it every day during this whole week. I guess she was trying to help my so very messed up life.

 But alas I only had good thoughts and ambitions as I walked out of my apartment door and headed to Hope Zion to get ready for the race ahead of me. I had decided to compete in it as an effort to place my focus on other things.

With great determined strides I took my place at the starting point. Everyone looked happy and excited to begin. I was happy for once. I loved running even though my knees did not think in the same manner. It was the only thing I had left to busy myself with when my time wasn’t spent in hospitals and surgery rooms.

I smiled at my fellow runners. This was going to be a good day. I was so sure of that. The sun was shining. Birds were singing .People were laughing and sharing funny experiences with each other while reading themselves for the race.

A loudspeaker announced for all participators to start taking their places at the starting line. It took a while for everyone to be settled and ready. The countdown started and before I knew it, I was off.

Running was easy. It didn’t require much thought and emotions were not needed. I set my pace to a semi fast pace and began to get into the flow of it.

Almost half way in and I was desperately trying to catch my breath after realizing my pace had been too fast. I was still not fit enough for this it seemed. Just then I got a call from Alex. This was a welcome distraction.

 

And then… everything went black.

* * *

 

I awoke to this eerie high pitched drone that I could feel throughout my whole body (not just in my ears) and there were people screeching and screaming everywhere. My lungs immediately revolted against the dust that I was so desperately breathing in. I needed air but not the dust as well.

My head hurt like hell. I tried to move but it was just too painful. I tried again and with much grimacing managed to sit up. People all around me were in a state of panic and terror. It seemed that this was an act of terrorism and that a bomb had gone off.  Yet another disaster to ruin my life. Just perfect!

I heard a woman’s voice cry out in pain and turned around to find out where she was. She lay a few meters away. She was holding her stomach as if she was in pain but also trying to protect something. It was then that I realized with horror that she was pregnant and obviously very close to giving birth.

Within all this chaos there was no need for my own terror so dedicated, no nonsense Doctor Maggie appeared. I tried my best to get the woman as comfortable as possible and tried to assess her injuries. It took forever but eventually ambulances arrived and within what felt like 100 years we arrived at Hope Zion Hospital. I immediately tried to follow the doctors with my patient to wherever they were taking her but Zach stopped me. Why is he worrying about me? It was just a simple scratch on the head. Nothing more. I was fine.

Nevertheless he insisted on checking all my vitals and testing my eyesight as well. How annoying. Finally he let me go but not after making me pinky promise to come to him if I felt or noticed anything strange. Sigh, always the too caring Zach.

After stabilizing Shelby I had to go look for some more saline solution. No one else wanted to do it so I volunteered.

While searching for the saline, suddenly this piercing pain echoed through my head and then blackness yet again.

* * *

 

When I awoke, I was not myself. I felt like air. No one noticed me or responded to my frustrated mumblings, crazy dancing and even loud shouting along the hospital corridors.

 There was a dull pain in the back of my head but I told myself I was fine and everyone was just being rude. By the time, Charlie appeared I thought that maybe there was something else going on but he saw me…. What was wrong? He had a perplexed look on his face and was trying to look like he was not conversing with me. I wondered why. He told me I was a ghost and that I need to fight. But why? Why should I fight? What was there to fight for? The one I so much needed and wanted was gone and was never mine for the taking anyway. Thoughts of how this latest event might have affected my career also flooded my mind. Could I be a doctor after this? Would I still be able to work? These questions filled my head but I only voiced the latter concerns to Charlie. He was about to tell me something when I morphed away back to my patient where I could concentrate on more important matters. I was ok, I would be fine, I just had to save my patient and her baby. I stood there staring hoping that somehow just by being there, it would contribute something to her recovery and healing and that was when I saw red. Red hair that is.

I wanted to run far away because as that familiar face was talking away to the husband of my patient, all those feelings I had chained away came tumbling lose. I wanted those familiar arms around me to comfort me and say everything was going to be ok. But I knew that was wishful thinking. I was far from her mind and with this thinking I was far from the truth which was that Sydney was trying everything in her power to stop thinking of me and worrying that my situation might go south. I morphed away back to somewhere quiet but sure enough Charlie found me and told me that I did have people to fight for. My friends, Alex, himself, Shahir, Zach and so many other familiar faces in the hospital. But was that worth it? Was it enough? These were the thoughts flying through my head. I morphed back to my hospital bed. I looked pathetic just lying there.. and she was there. Holding my hand and looking extremely anxiously down at my pale face. Was I dreaming or  did she really care about me?


	4. A Chance Meeting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I realized that I did not make the last chapter as cannon as it should have been so I'm making up for that in this one ;)  
> This chapter is all about the events after Maggie decides to fight for her life and then wakes up. I tried to keep it as cannon as possible without making the dialogue bits too boring. Maggie gets to see Sydney again and realizes that much was left unsaid during their brief encounter. Does her future still look bleak or is there a glimmer of hope in sight?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy it.  
> Will come up with more soon!

I found myself yet again staring through glass at the deathly pale version of myself and watched with hardly any emotion at all at my friends that were working so very hard to fix more problems that had arisen in my broken body.

I looked up and there was Charlie, once again. Yet again he had found me. “Are you telling me I must heal myself? But in order to treat someone, you have to take a history. You have to know who they are. I don’t know who I am. So how do I fix this?”

“I don’t know but wake up and find out, Maggie?”

 I stared with longing at that beautiful head of red hair and decided to try. I had nothing to lose really, so why not. Who knows, maybe things would start to look up for me.

It wasn’t until much later in the evening though, that I pulled through. As I opened my eyes for the first time today, everything was hazy and a blur but gradually shapes began to form and then shapes became people and objects and people cleared up to become Alex.

“Hey”, I said even as my eyes were refocusing so as to see her clearer. The pain in my head had diminished till it was a tiny little blur of discomfort. I knew it would be a while for it to disappear completely and for all the wounds to heal up, but it felt good to be back in the world of the living. Being a ghost was cool but I couldn’t touch things and interact.

Alex smiled back at me. I asked her if I was ok. She let out a heavy sigh and held her hands up in the air. “Lift your arms, Palms up. Like you’re holding a double cheese and anchovies pizza”

I couldn’t help but smile “I thought you would never mention that thing again” We both let out a much needed laugh. It was good to see her smiling again.

“Now, Maggie, Count back from ten.”

“Ah, Really? .. 10. Niiine, eiiight….. I think I got this one!”

“It’s good to have you back Mags” She smiled with relief. And in walked the rest of the gang.

“Hey, quit hogging that rock star!” said Zach trying hard to hide the gigantic grin that was spreading across his face.

“Welcome home, Doctor Lin.” They all said in unison.

“Thank you!” I fell back into a peaceful sleep a little bit later.

The next day went by uneventfully until around 5pm when I had yet again found myself staring off into space. I heard some noise though and looked up to finally see the face that had given me the motivation to fight for my life. I found myself talking even before I had thought things out. “Dr Katz, as I live and breathe!”

She had that uniquely-Sydney smile displayed upon her beautiful face. “Well, I’m glad you’re doing both” There was a moment of silence (a little bit on the awkward side) till she asked if she could come in. She said the latter with a somewhat guilty conscience as if she had previously done something wrong.

I couldn’t help what came out next as my normal flirty self displayed reappeared. “Well, if you’re’ here to kiss me, Alex beat you to it”

Her expression changed almost immediately. One of almost jealousy and humor all mixed together.

“Do tell” She couldn’t help the awkward laugh that came out but moved closer to my bed even so.

She stared at me with a look of concern and told me how worried they all had been. I could see she was trying to hide just how worried she herself had been but she wasn’t very good at hiding. It was the first thing I had discovered about her. She couldn’t lie easily or hide her feelings or emotions at all. She was an open book to me. Alex had once told me she couldn’t read Sydney at all though so I guess it was just me that had this ‘gift’.

She continued talking and was just about to say something along the lines of I thought you were going to die when I stopped her. “It’s ok, I’m fine Sydney.”

She gave me this look of being totally not impressed or convinced by my statement. “You’re in the ICU, Maggie. How could you possibly make this glass half full”

I didn’t know what she meant by that, I mean what did she mean by that? But even so I found myself saying that she was here so things were ok. And I really hoped with all my half broken heart that things would be ok.

Again there was that look from earlier. One of guilt as she nodded her head and mumbled “yeah, I am” Some more nodding of her head continued as she laid her eyes on me yet again. I could tell she had been deeply affected by my close encounter with death but yet didn’t want to talk about it. So I moved on to “more important” matters. That of my patient.

“My patient, Shelby Heart” I said. I didn’t need to specify what I was asking as she knew already.

“Yeah, she is good, she’s out of the woods. Baby too.”

Knowing this, gave me the sense of relief over the unfinished matters I had left behind when I passed out the second time.  “That’s great!”

 Sydney replied with an elongated yeah and looked at me again. Another moment of silence ensued as we shared a long but intimate conversation with our eyes only.

“I’ll keep you posted” She broke the silence.

With a big smile on my face, I determinedly told her that I want to focus on myself for a while. Some things were implied by me saying this which she noted. I could see it on her face.

She awkwardly looked away for a second and then replied with “Huh, sounds like a plan.” She moved even closer towards me and took my hand in hers. There it was again, that intense look of longing and something else. All of a sudden she seemed extremely uncomfortable and was immediately blaming the air conditioner for making me cold. Did she forget that I always had cold hands? And not to mention that I had never complained of being cold once. Then again Sydney was never very subtle. In fact subtle didn’t agree with her it seems.

She moved as if to go and said that she would get me another blanket. Instead I grabbed her closest hand and asked her to stay. She turned around and looked back at me. She seemed surprised by my request but also happy in some way. She smiled somewhat awkwardly and moved back to where she had been before. I found myself unconsciously displaying my oh -so -famous heart stopping dimples. I was so happy. Just maybe things were looking up for me.


	5. The Beginnings of the End

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie's Spiral into Despair as Sydney leaves for Israel.

Unfortunately as karma had previously dictated, happiness and bliss did not last long though. I was forced to go on payed leave so that I would properly recover. My colleagues knew me all too well. If I hadn’t been forced I would have just ended up back at the hospital pushing myself yet again. Yes, I was trying to change my focus to be back on myself but that was a hard journey. So by forcing me to do it, they were actually helping me. Being at home though was totally boring and got old so fast. I had three weeks to myself. My friends from Hope Zion tried to make time to visit and pop by. They always bought chicken soup. My fridge was stocked up for a whole lifetime of being sick or so I thought. Alex would regularly come by and make dinner or breakfast depending on what shift she had just finished or was about to start. Zach came by and related funny happenings and diagnosis that he had to deal with during his days at work. Even Charlie came by. He would just sit and listen to me talk away about absolutely nothing and about how bored I was lately. Charlie just sat there quietly and smiled. It felt comforting. And then there was one other visitor that came every now and again. She said she was busy and was struggling with her work and social life balance. What does that even mean though? She never had a problem with separating work and social but I guess she never really had much of a social life. Sydney had always been the work focused doctor. No time for a social life even though she begged to differ on that aspect.  There were many times when we just sat there sharing the same couch and sitting in complete silence. Neither one wanting to break the peace by bringing up their real thoughts or issues. I tried though. I told her that we need to talk to which she replied that we will, in time but not tonight. And then her visits got less and less and before I knew it I was revving to go back to work. I had missed the hussle and bussle of the hospital and was so glad that today I was finally going to be able to work again. Work would dull the pain of the absence of Sydney in my life. So with a somewhat happy countenance I made my way into Hope Zion and walked to the doctors changing room. I had just changed into a more comfortable top when someone appeared.

 “You’re too skinny!”

It was a factual statement and though I knew it was true it was who said it that bothered me. Turning around there stood Sydney. Leaning heavily on the changing room door. She had a smirk on her face as she eyed me up and down. I wondered how long she had been there for. I guess I would never know right?

“Are you Jewish mothering me or ex-girlfriending me right now?” I said with a slight tinge of annoyance and anger. She didn’t seem to pick up on this though and just smiled back at me.

“I didn’t know we were exes”

Hmm, I honestly wished we were, that way at least I would have had a chance with her. “Well we’re not really just friends either.”

She looked at me for a seconds. “Fair enough.” Despite myself a huge smile  appeared on my face. She was so beautiful and her current expression was  totally making me weak in the knees. If only she knew.

“You’re back so soon after the accident. Are you sure you’re ok for work?”

“I’d rather be here with a headache than stuck back at home with day time tv. Besides, I huffed, it has been three whole weeks. Do you know how bored I was?”

She said ok but not before eyeing me up one last time as to make sure that I was really fine. Then told me to come and meet her patient. She gave me another smile “I want to place her with someone I trust before I go to Israel.”

She had told me this news while visiting me so it wasn’t new but it still hurt. “Trust me that much?” I asked her with a questioning look on my face.

“Well, I could refer to just any other doctor if you prefer?”

“No, it’s ok. Leave her with me.” She nods her head in agreement and we both go silent again.

“Sooooo, Tel Aviv? Big Move.” I waited for a response but got nothing for a while.

She nodded her head. “It is”

“Sure it’s the right one?”

She looked at me with a somewhat curious look. “There’s a saying. If you don’t know what you’re living for. You haven’t lived yet.”

Hah, how true those words were. Charlies words didn’t seem to correspond well with that saying though.. well at least in matters of my miserable life. I nodded my head in agreement though.

“So much has changed for me. You know that… You were there.”

“Still here, Sydney.”

She gave me another one of those concerned look then turned around and exclaimed in her so matter of fact tone “Eat something, then meet me in the ward!”

Pfft. She sounded like a bossy mother and girlfriend. I couldn’t help the chuckle that came out.

Later I found myself yet again with that certain redhead by the name of Sydney. We were walking down an aisle on our way to her patient. As we made our way, one of our fellow doctors exclaimed “Good to have you back Dr Lin.”

I said thanks and continued walking. If I had just looked to my left at that moment I would have seen something that would question if Sydney really wanted to go to Israel. She had been looking at me with admiration and something akin to love. But it quickly disappeared and remained unseen by my eyes.

“Hmm, we’ve missed you. I have missed you.” She sounded too happy and cheerful and it was such a contrast to how she had been a few weeks ago. She looked my way again. “So apart from getting blown up, what else has Doctor Lin been up to?”

I smiled and looked away. “Lots actually. I almost got a new job. Almost moved to Cleveland”

“Oh, that’s a long list of almosts”

I didn’t think so... It was only two or maybe, just maybe she was being her sarcastic self again.

“How about you. Has your life been a flurry of hot dates and baby deliveries?”

She nervously laughed. “No, no. Not exactly. My father still won’t speak to me but my mother started sending emails. That’s progress”

I had to admit she was been really brave about all this and now also leaving everything and going to Israel too.  But then again was running that brave, cause to me that is all it seemed. “Yeah, I’m glad. Have you talked to Herschel?”

Her face turned serious at this. “No, that’s a burnt bridge. We’re safer talking about Nicola.” And with that she stopped walking as we had reached our destination.   
“Have you ever had a patient who just gets to you? Well, Nicola is one of those.”

I nodded and looked down at her chart that Sydney had handed to me when I first appeared in the ward.

“Well, she has had three miscarriages before this pregnancy.”

I contemplated what she had just said. “If she means that much to you, why don’t you postpone your move?” I looked up briefly from the charts to see how she would respond. Half hoping that she would agree with me.

She looked conflicted. “I am moving to Israel to be with my girlfriend and she is expecting me next week.” As she said the word girlfriend, my heart plummeted in its cavern. She had a girlfriend already? In Israel? How and for how long. And damn that blow.

With that said, she opened the door and walked in. Not even waiting for me to follow. I stood back for a while trying to re-center my erratically beating heart and hurt soul.

I managed to do it quite quickly under the circumstances and put on the usual Doctor Lin face and manners as I walked through the door.

Her patient seemed to be a nice person. She was blind but yet she had mastered the ability to sense other people’s emotions and the atmospheres that resulted because of said emotions.

The day went on rather busily. We didn’t have much time to talk again as this Nicola presented quite a few problems. Luckily my thoughts were mostly dwelling on how we could help her and how not to lose the baby. She had obviously had too many losses of late and the loss of her husband had been the last straw for her. I hoped that we could at least help to give her a happy ending.

It turned out though that her husband’s brother who had been taking care of her, had fallen in love with her too. Ahh such complications where always present. They had a little disagreement and he fled the room as he couldn’t take her accusations anymore. Sydney gave me a look, implying that I should follow him and sort that mess out. Sigh. I quickly walked out and caught up with him. He was getting ready to leave the hospital that much was obvious. And nothing I could say could actually stop him. Failing yet again Maggie, I told myself.

After much fighting with Nicolas unrealistic resolve and convincing her that we knew best we finally saved her and the baby.

I thought that today had gone pretty well. I had kept all emotions at bay and managed to keep my no nonsense doctor face on all day. Yet I knew that the worst was yet to come. I stared at the floor of the on call room for a while and then bit my lip in an attempt to calm the feelings that had just started to resurface. I tasted blood. Oh well better that than an emotional breakdown in font of Sydney as she left Hope Zion for the last time.

Speak of the devil… She just walked in. She hadn’t even noticed I was there. I watched as she packed up all her things and undressed. Yes, I was looking on with desire and watching as each item got replaced by another. I was not about to lose out on this opportunity. No one was in the room other than ourselves and she clearly thought she was alone. Sometimes what you don’t know won’t kill you. I found myself unconsciously licking my lips. I watched as she donned her coat and headed to the locker room door. I knew that I had to follow her as I didn’t want to miss my chance to say a proper goodbye. Knowing Sydney, she would probably leave without even seeing me if she had her way. But yet I did not want to give away that I had been there while she was undressing. That had to be my little secret. Not that I hadn’t seen her body up close and personal before. I knew every crevice, delicate curve and angle of her body.

So I waited five minutes. I couldn’t wait longer as she would be gone if I left it any longer and just about ran into Zach. He just laughed it off and told me to calm down. Sydney was waiting for me in the cafeteria. I looked at him with a surprised look. What??? She was? Seriously this was so not Sydney. I just shrugged though, thanked him and made my way to said cafeteria. And there she was. Standing in a corner by the windows with a cup of coffee that she was caressing as if it was her last cup. She had a curious look on her face as she glared down into her coffee. I walked up to her as silently as possible as I didn’t want to break the coffee reverie. Too late I guess as she looked up from her cup and straight at me. A smiled grew on her lips.

“ So, you are leaving tonight then?” I said as I felt bile gathering in my throat.

“Yep, but I had to say a proper goodbye to my favorite doctor.” I looked up at her but her attention was already focused back on the cup.  Damn, she was avoiding something and this time I could tell she wasn’t about to share. She finished the last bit of coffee and then came up to me and grabbed me in a big bear hug. I couldn’t help breathing in her familiar scent and pulling all the more closer to her. We stayed like that for what felt like an eternity and I didn’t want this to end so I held on as I felt her pulling away.

She looked down at her watch and said with a mock concerned look on her face, “You’re going to make me miss my flight.”

I just held her tighter but eventually relaxed my grip on her. She was not mine to have and hold or demand that she stay. I reluctantly let her go and painstakingly tried to put on my emotionless robot face. It was hard pretending that everything was ok. Pretending that I was ok. Pretending that her leaving wouldn’t shatter my world and cause my heart to be broken beyond repair.

“I’ll walk you to do door” I found myself saying. Damn what was I doing? Prolonging the pain of the moment or adding to my own suffering. But honestly I just wanted to see her till I could no longer see her and maybe, just maybe I could be brave enough to say something to stop her from taking herself out of those grand big doors to a life far, far away.

She moved closer to me as we both walked out of the cafeteria area and made our way to the Hope Zion entrance. I kept on looking her way. I couldn’t help it. I was drawn to her in a way I hardly understood myself. To me this wasn’t love. Love wasn’t something I was capable of feeling or so I thought.

“You know you didn’t have to walk me out?”

I looked at her with a mock serious look “And have you guilt trip me for the rest of my life? No thanks”

“You’re a great doctor, Maggie”

“I had a great teacher”

She stifled a tiny outburst of laughter but her face was hardly rid of the emotion “Have, I’m not dead yet”

Hmm, True, but still it felt like she was leaving me to die.. “Tel Aviv” I paused for effect. “It’s a long way away”

She turned around to face me and smiled back at me once again. “Your girlfriend is a lucky woman” I didn’t actually mean to say it but it just came out and even with a touch of jealousy which I hoped she would not notice. Damn I had fallen so hard for this woman and now she was leaving me yet again.

“Thank you. Goodbyes are not my thing. So”

Hmm that’s for sure, I was pleasantly surprised that this time she had firstly made the effort to wait for me and also to actually let me walk her out. “Tell me something I don’t know, Sydney.” I tried to be brave and so smiled a wonky smile back at her.

The mood suddenly became serious and she looked away before bringing her eyes back to stare into mine. It was as if she was searching my soul for something. “You’re the only almost I ever think about. And I do think about you, Maggie.”

I tiny glimmer of hope sparked deep within. I nodded my head and took one step closer to her. Being so close was intoxicating. I gently took her face in my hands as her eyes looked up at me in surprise. But yet she didn’t resist. So I continued and planted a quick but delicate kiss on those lips.. Lips I had dreamed about for many, many nights. Lips I wished to never stop kissing but yet I pulled myself away. I had no idea how I got the strength, as I felt pretty weak now. She stared at me with a blank expression. I thought it was one of annoyance but had I known how she was really feeling and what she was thinking at that moment, I would have tried harder and not let her out of that door. But alas I had no idea at all.

“I owed you one” I said as I backed away a little bit. Giving myself some space so I wouldn’t grab her again and probably make a fool of myself yet again. I looked back at her and smiled. Hoping that by smiling and that small kiss she would change her mind but she turned around and continued walking to the door. I stood there… Frozen.

I stood there staring as my heart was walking away from me… Tears were pushing themselves to come out and my whole word shattered. Just as I was about to break, she looked back at me but opened the door anyway and left.

I could not move.

* * *

 I had no idea how I ended up in my own bed with no hospital clothes on and in my comfy P-Js. It seemed I had lost hours of my evening due to a few seconds of heartbreak.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it took so long. My PC broke down. But I"m back now.  
> So happy about the latest development in SH. I almost feel like it's not really worth continuing my story but I'm sure if I don't I will just disappoint myself later on so here goes.  
> I will be revisiting the previous chapters in an attempt to fix up grammar and any other errors. Please tell me your thoughts so far though. I want to get better at writing and though this is my first work ( and it somehow turned into a long one) I hope to create more in the future.. Hopefully shorter stories too.
> 
> Bear with me as I retell my story. Thank you!!


	6. One Dark Night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie is left behind as Sydney leaves for Israel. This causes Maggie to fall into a never ending spiral of despair. But thanks to Alex she manages to semi-recover.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is rather short but in no way less important to the story. Hope you enjoy it!!  
> Thank you to all those who gave Kudos :D Much appreciated

One Dark Night

I awoke to a wet pillow and a hollow feeling inside my heart. I wondered how I had even got here. The last thing I remembered was staring as she walked out of the door and being frozen in place after that. Just then my bedroom door opened and Alex peeked through.

“Hey, Sleepy Head” She smiled with her gigantic smile and opened the door wider. “I hope you don’t mind but I made chocolate chip raspberry pancakes. They are all ready for your devouring if you feel up to it” As if on que, the delicious wafts of pancakes infused with raspberry and chocolate came through the door. It smelt like heaven. Well not quite but the closest to heaven I had been in a long while. (Heaven to me was lying next to the one who had captured my heart and soul and holding her in my arms forever more)

I pulled myself up and out of bed and made my way to the delicious smells. Alex was still standing by the door. She couldn’t help but smirk as I made my way through my very messy room and almost tripped over my boots that had been carelessly discarded the night before. I huffed at myself and walked past Alex. She turned to follow me and we made our way to my kitchen counter where all sorts of wonderful things were spread out and waiting for me to enjoy. I looked up at Alex and gave her a silent thank you. She smiled and told me to dig in. I couldn’t help but do so.

Indeed those pancakes were half of my heaven. I found myself staring into space as Alex handed me a rather large cup of coffee.

“Maaaaagie” “Hello, earth to Maggie” “Hmmmm, ok, I’ll just have your coffee then” to which I obviously awoke from my daydreaming. I love coffee and was not about to lose out on a cup of Alex’s coffee. I always told her if she had not chosen to be a doctor she could have easily become a professional barrister and would have been known for the best coffee this side of the world. I grabbed it out of her hands and immediately relaxed a little as its warmth and delicate flavor reached my throat.

Alex sighed. “Hey, Maggie are you sure you should be thinking of going to work later today? I think you should take the day off? Last night was pretty rough on you and I don’t exactly trust you anymore when you say you are fine” I huffed at that. “Well, Maggie you can’t exactly blame me, right after being involved in that terrorist attack you were working like a mad thing. I mean I think I know a little bit of how you are feeling but even so… You can’t just let it fester. You need to take some time off and find out what you want. Yes, I am saying this. You need someone to tell you this. If Sydney is what you want then you should fight for it.”

I laughed at her last words. “No, Alex. You don’t understand. I don’t think you have ever been in a situation where your love has been unrequited. Sydney does not love me. She left me all alone. I feel like a part of me (the piece I need so much to go on living) left with her. And how can I fight when really it’s just me I’m fighting for?”

Alex looked back at me with concern and worry and came up to me and took me in her arms. I broke down yet again.

In between sobs I asked her “ Alex, what…… happened…. Last  night?”

“Uhm, do you really want to know, Maggie?” She looked down at me with a face full of concern.

“Yeah, I do… I need….. to …. know” I managed to get out as the sobbing racked my frame.

“Ok, So I had just come out of a rather intense surgery when Charlie came to me with concern plastered all over his features. He said that I was needed pronto at the entrance to the hospital. He never told me why or what for, but I dutifully ran there and found you staring. You had tears streaming down your face and had obviously collapsed to the ground. I don’t know what was wrong with everyone else around the area as they had not stepped down to help you. Maybe they were just scared of the terrifying Maggie” She tried to be funny but it just wasn’t so funny to me. Not only had I lost someone precious, now my very own reputation that I had worked so hard to make and keep was obviously down the drain. Crying over someone who never was mine and not even having the guts to admit how I felt to that person as well would only way in badly against me too. Never mind breaking down in the middle of the hospital entrance. What kind of doctor does that? I let out a long sigh. Luckily the sobs had diminished into fresh tears that were now flowing freely. Alex took me into another hug.

“Maggie, you will be ok. No one will judge you. They hardly even know the what and why anyway. Here, you have me to cry on and you can always just ask if you need a shoulder to lean on. You are like my baby sister”

I laughed at that but it was true. Alex had become a sister to me and she had helped me get through the tough times as I had her. And now that Sydney was not here I would have to be leaning on her again.

“I’m sorry Alex.”

“What, Why… What did you do now?” I buried my head deeper into her neck trying to smother my unbridled feelings. “I’m sorry for having to lean on you all the time”

“Please Maggie, You have hardly needed anyone to lean on over the last few years. YOU are a strong woman and I am only too happy to be there for you.”

At that I gave in and just let it all out. All those deep feelings and hurts that I had tried to keep in and sobbed my poor, delicate heart out. Poor Alex. She was my truest of friends and I was so glad that I had her during this time.

For a few weeks it looked like my evenings were going to be spent sobbing over Sydney but yet Alex was always willing to be my shoulder to cry on. There were some days that her shifts didn’t correspond with mine and I was convinced that it was these days that allowed me to fully recover. If not for them I would have been happy to cry myself to sleep at night every night. Eventually though I managed to put on my serious Maggie’s work face and managed to keep all emotions and feelings at bay. Personally I felt like a stone but it was better than the alternative of feeling raw every single night.

 Life started to become like it had been before the terrorist attack that I had been critically injured in. Without Sydney, living was one big blur of grey. I felt dead. No one at the hospital made me feel how she did and no one found my jokes funny the way she did. I missed her scent so much and often found myself hanging around her locker in hopes that her scent still lingered there. My last remnants of her in this hospital had long given way to more frequent scents.


	7. Why Can't I Have You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie buys a pet..Finally got to introducing the extra tag in this story. :P  
> Alex is a good 'sister' and helps Maggie get through her tough times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Getting close to the end of my story and so far I am quite happy with the way it is turning out.  
> I'm thinking that once this is done I would like to do some really short Sanvers and Wayhaught pieces and then make another Lintz fan fic that is based on season 5 of Saving Hope. I'm excited for the future and hope you are still enjoying my story!!  
> Thanks for all the kudos..
> 
> Also how do you like the introduction of Syd.... the cat?

I came back from work tired and worn out from a long week of early morning shifts and intense operations some of which involved amputations, freak accident emergencies and some long operations. Luckily this weekend was totally free. I was going to thoroughly enjoy myself or at the least try to. I was so tired that by the time I got home, I just curled up on the couch and fell into a deep sleep.

I dreamed that night. (I honestly wish I hadn’t but life was such.) In this dream it seemed to be a replaying of the events that happened three months ago. But when the time came to Sydney walking out of the Hope Zion door, instead of just staring, I ran and pulled that same door open and rushed to where Sydney was about to get into a cab. I grabbed her hand and pulled her into myself. I knew it was a dream but at that moment I swear that her scent was so real and I felt warmth that I had not felt in a long while. I told her she could not leave. She had to stay for me. She just sighed and pulled me closer. Soon lips met lips and paradise began at least in my dream it did, but I awoke in a fit of distress. Looking all around my flat for her but she was nowhere to be seen and I was the only one there as usual. That dream was way to life-like and real.

I got up out of bed and went to make myself a cup of hot chocolate in an attempt to calm my startled nerves and erratic heartbeat. I leaned against the kitchen counter as the kettle boiled and stared through the window looking at the city below me. My thoughts unconsciously wondered what a certain someone was doing right at this moment. Was it already afternoon there? Had she had a good day at work today? Was she happy with her girlfriend? Did she ever have dreams like I did? Did she miss me and did she ever think of me during her busy work days?

I let out a long and deep sigh. It was no use to me to be thinking these thoughts. Just at that moment the kettle finished and I was finally able to finish making my hot chocolate. I bent down to open one of the lower kitchen cupboards and searched around for the marshmallows Alex had bought me to keep me company on those days that she wasn’t around. I must say they were not so bad company though they never talked but oh they tasted so delicious. I wouldn’t have been surprised if they were all finished but I was secretly hoping that I still had some left. I was about to give up looking when I saw a little bit of pink poking out behind some boxes of cereal. There they were! I grabbed them greedily and picked up my cup of hot choc and dragged my tired body to bed where I opened my curtains so I could look out at the city and enjoy my drink. Sadly it was still too hot so I found myself staring into nothingness again. I wasn’t necessarily thinking about anything just staring out through my windows. Occasionally I wondered how many people were doing this exact thing on this night. I doubted it was many if even anyone because after all my life was cursed. Alex would tell me so often that Charlie and her could not be together as she was convinced that they had been cursed. All I saw was two people so in love and destined to be together. At a closer look I saw a man that deeply loved Alex and desperately wanted to be with her for the rest of his life. I mean I am pretty sure that he knew that Luke was not his child but Joel’s. But yet he didn’t shirk any duties and didn’t shy away from taking over from Joel after his death. Not once did he complain either and when Alex pushed him away, I could see he was deeply hurting but he took it in his stride and was able to compartmentalize his love for Alex but not once ever giving up on them or her. I wished I had that strength and honestly wished for the day that he would tell me his secret but every time I asked him he would smile and gently squeeze my arm and say “Live, Maggie, It’s that simple. Live, Smile a little, laugh some days and eat well. Simple but everything you need to be like me” He would wink and then walk away.

Eventually the hot chocolate cooled enough for me to drink it. Just then I saw a shooting star cross the dark skies. I smiled to myself and finished the rest of the drink and put the cup back on the bedside table. I pulled up my duvet covers and curled up into bed. I was ready for sleep to take me and welcomed the warmth of the covers. It wasn’t long till I fell into a peacefully deep sleep.

The next morning I awoke feeling refreshed and immediately got out of bed to have a shower. Today I was going to add a member to my small family. I mean Alex wasn’t really my sister but she definitely felt like she was and she acted like my older sister and she didn’t even mind me calling her that. So today I was going to buy a little pet. I hadn’t decided on what to get or names at all yet. I hadn’t actually thought of such things yet.

I put on my favorite pair of slacks and a very bulky wool jersey and my trusted running shoes and walked out of the apartment building. It was my lucky day today because as I walked down the steps a taxi stopped right there. I hailed it as fast as I could and opened the door giving the address of the closest pet shop to the driver. That trip felt like forever but obviously it was just nerves and anticipation. Eventually we got there. I payed the taxi driver and got out. Just then Alex sent me a message wishing me luck on choosing my new friend. I smiled and sent her a message saying thanks. I tucked my phone into my pants pockets and opened the pet shop door. As I walked in all sorts of noises unfamiliar to me greeted my ears. Dogs were excitedly barking at the newcomer, cats were contentedly purring. There was an African grey parrot that was reciting its vocabulary and to add to all this, some humans having an animated conversation on how to groom a guinea pig. I could even here the little guinea pigs squealing. Hmmm, this was going to be fun I thought. A young man approached me and asked me what I was looking for.

“I don’t really know yet” “I initially was thinking of a kitten but I am not sure. What sort of pets would you recommend for a doctor? I mean I have long hours and don’t want the animal to get lonely while I am away.” I said.

“Hmm” he looked me up and down. “A doctor you say. Well, how about a kitten then. Cats are independent creatures and as long as you keep litter out and food it will love you”

I thought for a moment. “Ok, That sounds logical”  “So where be the kittenses?” I couldn’t help my interesting English, I was just so excited.

He smiled and gestured for me to follow him as he made his way to where all the cats were situated. He walked all the way to the last cage where a rather fluffy orange cat sat licking its paws. “Meet Syd” He said with a proud look on his face. I looked at it then at the guy with a questioning look on my face. “I thought I said kitten”

He laughed “Yeah, you did but you see this cat seemed to be perfect for you. She has a very feisty personality and loves cuddles. Which by the way is very rare in a cat.”

I looked back at the cat who had now decided to glance upon what had bought two noisey humans her way. She glared at me for two seconds and then proceeded to pull herself up and walk to the end of the cage so as to be closer to us. She looked up at me with these oh so cute eyes begging for me to love her and how could I resist.

“So whatcha say” Yeah or do you still want to look around some more”

I nodded my head but still remained transfixed on the cat.

“So is that a yes then”

“Yeah, I’ll take her. How much is she”

“Ah don’t worry about it you can just buy her some necessary accessories and give her the home she so obviously wants right now.” He winked at me.

“Uh, I somehow doubt that you are allowed to just give pets away for free.”

“Well, yeah you are right but you know this little bundle of fur just didn’tt want to leave till today it seems, so she is all yours” “Don’t get me wrong she is a sweet cat but she just has had no interest in other humans so no one choses her”

I smiled as he piled up all the things I would need. Food, cat bed, toys and an old soft toy that he told me she never parted with. He told me I was lucky to not be getting a kitten as then I would have to potty train it. Hmm that was a good point. I didn’t really have the time for that between my busy work shifts and my limited free time. I definitely did not want to be spending all my free time trying to train a cat to use its litter box.

Finally I payed for my goods and walked out with the cat. She was staring at me from inside her transportation cage. Softly purring to herself. I guess she was happy which somehow made me feel a little bit optimistic about my life. As I waited for a cab to take me home I thought about changing her name. I mean chances are that they gave her the name Syd. Sigh. Every time I called her, it would just bring fresh memories but alas it did fit her personality and looks so hell why not. So I pulled myself together and spoke to the cat. “Hi, Syd, Soon we will be at your new home. I hope we can be great friends and keep each other good company. I don’t know about you but it would be nice to have some company that isn’t medically inclined.” I winked at her. She made a face as if she was smiling and let out a long deep purr. I guess we both were in agreement on this matter now. I smiled to myself as I got into the cab that had just appeared and gave the driver my address. I was looking forward to just plopping myself on my couch again and relaxing as well as getting acquainted with my new ‘friend’.

As I opened the door, Sydney seemed to explode with a deep purring. She must be really happy. I laughed to myself and put her cage on the floor and then opened it up. Only seconds later and I was holding an oh-so-fluffy cat in my arms. She was cuddling up to me and purring so happily. I dropped all her accessories on the floor and decided I would see to them later. Right now I needed my couch so I held Syd tighter and collapsed into my comfortable couch. I guess I fell asleep as hours later I woke up to the smells of cooking bacon. I sat up with a start, a little scared of who could be there but as I looked towards the kitchen I saw Alex holding Luke. She had obviously come over to see my new pet and found me sleeping and decided to make us all supper. I stretched myself out but then just realized that something was still attached to my neck. It was warm and soft.. Ahhh so Syd had also decided to sleep. I looked down at the sleeping form cuddled up on my chest and saw her open an eye and simultaneously let out one of her deep purrs. I could get used to this.

* * *

 

“Hiii, Alex”

“Oh, the sleeping beauty decided to wake up I see. Your cat seems perfectly at home. That’s great. I was actually excited to see what you would buy. A part of me thought you would go for something unique. But Maggie is such a boring person she goes for a cat. I’m sort of disappointed” She said the last bit with a mock serious tone and disapproving look on her face.

“Haha, Al… Well she kind of chose me. To be honest I was actually thinking of something much smaller and with a greater vocal range.” I pulled Syd off of me and put her down to lie down in her bed. She meowed at this but eventually made herself comfy and went back to sleep.

“Oh, hmm I wonder what that could be. Were you thinking of getting a bird? Like a parrot?”

I laughed at this, If there was one thing I knew, I was definitely not a bird person. “Nah”

“Soo, what did you have in mind then?”

“Oh no, you can’t get the answers that easily, you have to guess.” I made my way to the kitchen and breathed in deeply the smells of bacon and cheese cooking.   
“Ah, my favorite dinner ala Alex” I said and grabbed her in a hug from behind. “Thanks Al”

“Hey, it’s no problem. Luke kept on bugging me for some Mac n Cheese and since I know you adore it too, I thought why not come over and make it for the both of you.”

 Luke tugged on my pants and showed me his new toy.

“Oh, hi Luke. Is this the new toy you got?” I examined it trying to be as serious as possible.

He nodded his head and grabbed it out of my hand again and proceeded to walk in the direction of Syd.

“He loves that toy so much and yet I don’t know why. Anyway back to the matter of pets.. So if not a bird.. How about a ….. dog”

“Hmm I think a dog might be somewhere in my future but not right now. They always seemed to me to be more permanent, serious pets. So guess again!”

“Uhmm”, she said while tapping her chin trying to think. I wondered what was going through her head. “oooh here’s one.. the perfect pet for a Sydney lin.. A guinea pig. Cute fluffy, noisy especially when hungry and very vocal in general.”

I nudged her a little with my shoulder. “Well you got it right but seriously is that how you think of me?” “Cute and vocal and always hungry?”

“Yep, that’s the way I see you. But you know I love you anyway even with ALL your faults.”

“Hum, you should know me better then because I don’t have any faults” I responded with equal parts humor. She smiled back at me and handed the wooden spoon to lick the creamy bacon-infused cheese sauce.  “Hmm, it’s just perfect. I really don’t know how you get it exactly the same each time you make it! You are amazing Alex”

“Well, thanks” She said while putting the mac n cheese dish into the oven. “So it will be like 30 minutes till we can devour it. I hope you don’t mind me inviting Charlie to come over as well.”

“Not at all Al, he is more than welcome here” 

“Want some coffee? Haha, I forgot you told me to never ask but rather to just make. Ok, three coffees coming up then. We can sit on the couch and sip on coffee and talk about our interesting days. I’m sure yours was way more interesting than mine.”

“Please, all I did today was buy a new pet and spend most of the day sleeping after that. Not much interesting about that.”

 I had entered that space of day dreaming again and Alex left me to it. She always told me that it was healthy to do so a little a day.

Eventually there was a knock on the door and Alex went to open it. Luke who had been getting acquainted with Syd came running and jumped into Charlies open arms. They looked like a happy family. I thought to myself that it was a pity that Alex thought they were cursed. They could be such a good family. I mean sure we all have our own faults but that’s what significant others are there for. To help you get up during hard times and encourage us when we need it the most and to be there as support for each other.

We enjoyed the meal together and there was much laughter ringing through my small apartment. Thanks to Charlie’s silly jokes and Alex’s humor it turned out to be a very pleasant evening. And the food was divine. We finished off the last bits of ice cream that I had in my house and then retired to the lounge area each with a cup of coffee that Alex had so kindly made us.

I didn’t talk much though. Alex and Charlie were relating their days to each other and I just listened on. Soon enough a felt a slight pressure on my lap and looked down to see Syd making herself comfortable there. She was purring like a machine and when I put my hand out to stroke her she pushed against it and purred even harder.

I picked her up and held her to my chest. She was so warm and fluffy and her purring was rather comforting. Eventually Charlie decided that he had to get going and took Luke with him. I was pleasantly surprised to see Alex leave with him. After letting them out through the door and going to fetch some water, I realized that they had cleaned up all the dishes. They must have done it while I had been cuddling with Syd. I quickly rummaged around to find my phone and sent Alex a message thanking her for the wonderful evening, dinner and for so kindly cleaning up too. Then I made my way back to the couch and put my Netflix on. I fell asleep with a big fat and fluffy cat sitting contentedly on my chest yet again.

I was glad that I had found Syd as she gave me some much needed company during free time and I always looked forward to seeing her after getting back from my long work shifts. I managed to get into a comfortable routine and my thoughts didn’t stray just as much as they used to, to a certain red head that held my heart.


	8. Second Death

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sooo I killed off the cat because there is only one Syd for Maggie and that is Sydney.. I was surprised that she lasted so long considering I don't really like the creatures ;)

 Everyone around me was hooking up with someone special. Even Zach was happy with someone and it seemed to be lasting. I was glad but secretly jealous of his new found love. I thought to myself if he can have it, why not me too? All I had these days was a somewhat grumpy cat.. Yeah she did love me or so it seemed but she was a cat and no matter how much I did care for her and how much she showed me affection, with her incessant purring and licking of my hands, she was just a cat. I had been surprised to see that she had never bitten me. I was more than aware that cats were temperamental things so was half expecting to be bitten but alas she only licked me and purred even on her grumpy days.

I longed for the real, human Sydney every time that Syd decided to curl up on my shoulder and would cuddle up into the crook of my neck. It was these times that I would allow myself to dream that instead of a cat, there lay a very beautiful woman.

Alex had been at me about getting my act together. Zach had told me that there was really nothing between us two. I was highly disappointed though if I was honest with myself,I only loved him as a friend so anything more than friendship wouldn’t have worked. Not mentioning the fact that I was already in love with someone and had given my heart willingly only to be rejected. So today I was looking forward to sitting on my couch drinking hot chocolate and devouring a bowl of popcorn while watching some corny romance movie. Also I hope to have my friend curled up on her usual spot so that I would unconsciously relax.  Today I managed to catch a lift home with Alex which made it a lot faster than catching a cab, not to mention cheaper.

I arrived at my apartment in no time and got out of the car and said a cheery goodbye to Alex. Wished her a great evening and walked up to my flat complex. Impatiently waited for the lift and finally, finally got walked into my apartment. I went to the balcony and opened the doors as to let some air in. Syd was yet to make her appearance so I made my way to my kitchen and made an epic hot chocolate complete with chocolate and some left over brownies. I made my way back to the balcony as Syd still hadn’t appeared. I put the cup and plate down on the cement and stared out at the world below me.

If it had been any other day I might have missed the horrifying and heartbreaking scene that greeted my eyes though as I turned my head to look left. There in the corner of my balcony lay a very battered and bloody version of Syd. I felt my heart drop and pain just rocketed to the surface. Two cats that left me. How cursed was I?

 I climbed up on the balcony and tried to pick her up out of the tree. It was a long stretch but I somehow made it without falling. If I had slipped somehow I might have ended up back in a hospital bed or worse. But just then a thought entered my head, maybe it was better I left this world but alas I could never purposefully kill myself and my opportunity had slipped by so now I had to somehow bury my poor cat and find the courage to move on from the loss of both Syds. I held her close as I walked out of the apartment block and to the nearby park. I had a fork with me as I did not own any spade of any kind. I thought that maybe it would be possible to dig a grave for Syd with the fork and was lucky enough that with some hard work it did suffice for a spade but barely at that.

I buried her and held a moment of silence more so to keep the tears at bay and to compose myself as I had to get up and walk back home.

As soon as I entered my flat I collapsed into the couch and grabbed one of my throw pillows and let myself loose. Just then I got a phone call. It ran and ran. I was in no mood to talk to anyone no matter who it was. Well, bar one person. But the likelihood of that person being the caller was pretty slim. It eventually stopped ringing and there was silence once more. The only noise that could be heard was my heavy sobbing. My pillow was soaked now but I didn’t care. The tears were not stopping either. Yet again that damned phone began to ring again. I angrily punched my pillow and put out my hand to try and grab it. I had every intention of throwing it across the room but when I eventually did find it I happened to glance at the caller id. It was Alex.

So I just had to pick it up and answer it of course. I somehow managed to pull myself together a little bit and answered with a very monotone voice.

“Hey Maggie” “What’s wrong?” she said with a concerned voice. She knew already that something was up. Sigh, that’s what comes with having a really close friend like her. Guess I couldn’t hide it anyway.

“I … Uh. Nothing” I tried to keep my tone calm.

“Come on Maggie, I know there is something up. Just tell me”

  
I let the room stay cloaked in silence for a while and left her hanging. I guess it was cruel but I wouldn’t be able to tell her if I didn’t take that time.

“So.. Syd is dead.” I choked out. I had thought I had my emotions in check but alas twas hardly so.

There was a deathly silence on the other end that had been punctuated by a sharp intake of breath.

“The cat syd or Sydney? Not that either is better.. Just... well you know what I mean.”

I stopped her before she could make it worse. “The cat one”

The thought of losing Sydney permanently would kill me. I didn’t even want to contemplate it.

“Aww Maggie, Do you want me to come over now. I just got off call and I know this latest loss is going to be really hard on you. I can bring some Pizzas and dessert if you would like?”

I replied “It’s ok Alex, you have your life to take care of. I’ll be ok I just need some alone time”

She didn’t sound convinced. “Are you sure Maggie”

“Yep, I’ll be ok. I’m just going to have a long soak in the bath and then head to bed.”

“Maaaagie, what about dinner? You didn’t even have lunch today. Do you think I didn’t notice?”

“Now come on, I’ll come over in 15 minutes just give me time to get us some food. Charlie has taken Luke out tonight so let’s make it a girls night. I could do with some good female company and I think you are in need of human company more so than ever tonight”

I realized then that she wasn’t going to let me get out of this at all. I just had to resign myself to my fate. “Ok, Ok. I’ll see you in 15 then”

I pulled my knees in and held myself as the sobs restarted. It almost felt like I had an on/off button installed. Sigh. This sucked. When was my life going to be fun and happy?

Eventually there was a rustling of keys and Alex appeared peeking through the door. I had given her a spare key to my apartment after Sydney had left for Israel.   
“I brought your favorite pizza, a whole bar of chocolate just for you and some chocolate chip cookie ice cream for the both of us.”

I begrudgingly got out of my comfy position and made my way to see what I could steal. I was a great fan of Pizza. Almost like No.1 status. Just as I got to the kitchen counter she handed me a plate that had 6 slices of my favorite type of pizza on it. I looked at her with a questioning look as if implying that there was no way I could finish that. She just laughed “You know Maggie, I have known you for a long time and if there is one thing you can wolf down like it is nothing, that is pizza and I know that a whole pizza is more than six slices. So be quiet and eat” She grabbed the pizza box and made her way to the couch. Before she sat down though she handed me her plate and told me to hold it for a bit. She practically pounced on her handbag and pulled out a very worn dvd case.

“Really, are we watching those?”

“Yep, that we are” she said smugly. She took out the dvd and put it into my DvD player and then came back and took her plate from me and grabbed my hand with her only free hand and pulled me closer to the couch. I eventually gave in. We sat watching her old home videos for who knows how long. I eventually did finish my serving of pizza to which Alex piled on another piece. I gave her a warning look.

She just slapped me gently and got up yet again. This time I focused my attention back to the television and so didn’t notice when she got back. It was funny watching us as little kids doing silly things and really we did some really crazy stuff back then. While I was laughing away at our hilarious antics Alex handed me a giant spoon and set the cartoon of ice-cream between us. I looked back at her as if asking for permission to dive in. She rolled her eyes and nodded her head. I didn’t wait a second longer and soon the creamy sweet smoothness entered my mouth and I was in ice cream heaven.

The night turned out happier than it began as the sorrow was forgotten for a while. Eventually her movie was over and so we just sat in silence eating the ice cream together. I don’t know when but I guess I fell asleep. Unbeknownst to me, Alex had taken a picture of my sleeping state. I still had the spoon in my mouth after taking my last spoonful of deliciousness and had drifted off into a peaceful sleep. She hoped to show this picture to someone special in my life one of these days and it was at that moment that she vowed to help me in some way. My misery over Syndey leaving had never left me and so she thought that indeed we did belong together. She couldn’t stand seeing me in this condition anymore and it had been a year of me not been able to get over Syd so now she was determined to help in any way possible.

 

* * *

 

So it was with that decision she had made the night before that Alex somehow managed to get Sydney’s new cellphone number.

Sydney had even forgotten to give me her email or cell. So much for saying that she would keep in contact with me. So unbeknownst to me Alex had done some searching and enquiring at Hope Zion and had made some contacts with Sydney’s new boss and had eventually come up with her new cell number. So she arrived the next day at my door step. It had been a really bad day for me where I had lost two babies and two adults. Along with all that pain I was still feeling raw after losing my cat, Syd. It was one of those days where I just couldn’t help the tears streaming down my wet face. There was a knock on my door and I literally dragged myself out of bed to the door. Upon opening it, there stood Alex. She had a wide grin on her face and handed me a slip of paper. It seemed she had just come by to drop the small paper off and was in a hurry. She quickly grabbed me in a hug and then said goodbye. But before she entered the lift, she turned around and said “Call her”. The big grin resurfaced and she entered the lift.

I closed my door and looked down at the tiny slip of paper. It was Alex’s business card but she had written a number in her very squiblly doctors’ handwriting. I glanced down at the number. It was not local. And it was then that I saw the large SYDNEY scrawled across the card. I felt my heart beat a little faster as I stared on at the name. This was her number. I wanted to call now, even if just to hear her voice but I was too much of a coward. I walked back to bed and tucked the card away for another time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think so far?  
> I'm so tempted to scrap chapter 9 but I can't since some things need to happen a few times before Maggie breaks completely.  
> Sorry if I am portraying her as such a softy. I just feel it is the good kind of softness and that Sydney not being there would have affected her a lot more than cannon implies.
> 
> That and squiblly is my new word hahaha. It refers to most doctors handwriting. :P


	9. Gone but not Forgotten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie meets Brie and the whole encounter with the lawyers and even possible death of her new friend coaxed her to brave and make that call... the call she had wanted to make sooo many times but either didn't have the number or was too much of a coward to press through as the phone rang.

I often found my thoughts drifting away to a distant land. Wondering if within its tiny borders there was still a part of a certain person’s heart that had thoughts of me. I silently hoped to myself that she felt for me as I still felt for her. Today had been a hard day as we admitted a young girl, not much younger than myself. She had only being admitted for injuries that were caused by being involved in a motor car accident but it had been found out later that she had breast cancer. My heart went out for her as her so called partner walked out of her life. I felt a little bit angry at her for doing this to Brie. I mean she just had her whole life crash into oblivion all in a few hours and then the one person she thought she could depend on just left and claimed she wasn’t even really gay. How selfish. I really hated selfish people.

As I was driving in the cab to my flat my thoughts drifted to two years before when I had told someone that I was allergic to shellfish. I was actually being serious about it but I also was allergic to selfish people. I wondered if Sydney had understood that comparison all the way back then or if it had just gone over her head. Sigh, how I longed for her presence right now. Even if it was just her snarky comments.  Once I got home I heated up some leftovers from the night before and made a cup of green tea. I decided to just be lazy and eat right there. I finished the meal rather quickly and decided to take a shower and hop into bed where I could continue reading a book I had recently been given. Zach had seen this book titled “Picking up the Pieces” and immediately thought of me. It was a good read so far and I hoped that it was helping me too. Eventually I tucked myself into bed and picked up the book. As I opened it up a card flew out and landed in my lap. I stared at the name written on the card and butterflies erupted in my stomach. I grabbed my phone and entered the number in as fast as I could while still being accurate. I put the phone to my ear and waited. It just ran and ran. But eventually I got scared and embarrassed and put it down. Sigh. I am such a coward. I didn’t even read the book much as just that half attempt at a call had been tiring enough.

The next day turned out to be a living hell. Brie went into a coma due to her cancer and the medication that we had given her. It was not responding well. Well, it was more like her body was not responding well to the medication and the cancer. Somehow she ended up in a comatose state and now Alex and I were being blamed for this horrible situation. Lawyers were making their appearance in the hospital and making an uncomfortable situation worse. They were going to sue us for malpractice. If they were successful we would both lose our licenses to practice. This was now the second time that something like this was happening to me. But this time I actually hadn’t done anything wrong. Brie had become somewhat of a good friend while she was around having chemo. She was a nice girl and I know she would have never wanted this. I went to her bedside only to find that person there. I bristled. How dare she be here! I walked back from whence I came. Eventually though I was called to a meeting with Brie’s Lawyers (more like her lawyers, I thought to myself). I glared at her as we sat there listening to the case. Eventually she spoke up. I couldn’t help myself anymore “No, this is not what Brie would have wanted” I felt Alex’s hand squeezing my arm in an effort to quiet me. “And, by the way. Where were you when she needed you so much? Only now do you reappear” I glared at her some more. And then she dared to imply that I had something going for Brie. Alex looked at me with a concerned look. But how was I supposed to say that I was only invested in her as a friend would be. No one except Alex would believe me. I just gave up and said nothing. I guess that gave them the right to think that her accusation had been right but they were so far from the truth. The one who had my heart was far away and not in a hospital bed in a coma, at least I prayed and hoped she wasn’t.

Later that afternoon I found myself in Brie’s hospital room staring at the rather lifeless form before me. Charlie was standing just outside talking to ghost Brie in a very quiet voice. I gently squeezed her hand and wished that she wake up soon.

I warily made my way back to the conference room where we were meeting with the lawyers. I opened the door and made my way to my designated seat. Everyone was already present. Just as the meeting was about to start a nurse came barging in saying that Brie had woken up. A tidal wave of relief rushed through my system. This was the best news I had heard in years. Alex and I were safe. We could still be doctors and hopefully Brie would recover. It had been decided that if she did wake up another hospital with patients similar to her would take her. I rushed back to her ward. She was indeed awake and smiled at me as I came in. I hugged her only as a friend would do “Thank you. Thank you for waking up. I’m so glad you made it through” She smiled back at me and mouthed a “thank you too” and then I felt her eyes drift to another area of the room. I turned around and there she was. I glared once more at her and then turned back to Brie. I gave her a big smile and hand squeeze and walked out the door and through Hope Zion doors. It was the end of my shift and I was utterly exhausted but if I had learnt anything from today it was that life was uncertain. And it was oh so short. I couldn’t continue to be too scared to reveal my feelings anymore. I was calling that number and I wasn’t going to chicken out this time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there!!  
> Thanks again for all the kudos.  
> So this chapter is a little shorter than most but I feel it has everything it should. Will add chapter 10 shortly.


	10. Be Mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maggie makes the call and eventually after much waiting, sobbing and listening she finally tells Sydney how she feels. 
> 
>  
> 
> And Maggie gets the girl but shhh no one told you that ;)

My heart was slowly bleeding itself to death. But hearts are not meant to bleed instead they are meant to love and be loved in return. It was with this mentality that I bravely dialed the number I had so often wanted to call for these terribly long twelve months and more. Not that I had the number that long though. But I had often imagined calling her.

The line was shifty at first and I thought that maybe I had dialed a wrong number or that the number was no longer in use, but eventually it started ringing in a regular pattern. I waited patiently but hoped that whoever answered would not be able to hear my rapidly beating heart. After a whole year, how was just the thought of Sydney still affecting me so much. I knew the answer of course. It just surprised me still.

I silently prayed that this was still her number. But as the phone rang and rang I was readying myself for disappointment. I let out a long sigh but still held the phone to my ear. I was not going to give up till the message tone came up. More incessant ringing and still it was just my ragged breathing and beating heart that could be heard in tandem.  My heavy breathing was turning into gentle sobs as still the line was still ringing. I was too late and now my heart would forever bleed for a love that I had taken too long to realize was there and that might be reciprocated.

I was mentally preparing myself for that message tone to make itself known and then just out of the blue I heard a voice.

“Dr Sydney Katz, Hi, how can I help you?” She sounded a little bit out of breath. I couldn’t contain the sobs any longer. It was just too much to hear her voice again. So I let it all out. Ragged breathing and heaving sobbing. Five whole minutes went by and I was almost expecting the other side of the line to disengage by now.

“Ma… Maaaggie?, Maggie?, Is that you? Are you ok? Did something happen? Are you in pain?”

  
“Sydney, please come back” was all I could manage to get out right now. It came out in shudders and probably wasn’t very understandable. I wouldn’t blame her for just putting the phone down now. I was a mess and all the words I had wanted to say had only been dashed by my stupid sobbing. Why was I such a softy? There was silence on the other end of the line but I could hear her breathing so she was still there. It sounded like she was walking somewhere. I guess she was still busy at work and didn’t really have time for me.  Finally the footsteps stopped and I heard a door close.

“Maggie, what’s up?” Again the shudders stopped me from making myself understandable and all that came out was “Need…. You.”

“But Maggie, why? Did someone get hurt? Is Zach ok?”

No, Sydney. I’m not ok. I need you. Please, please come back. Was what I was thinking and wanting to say but instead all that came out were shaky breaths.

There was silence on the other end of the line and for a minute I worried that our line had been cut somehow but then I could hear a tapping of a pen.

Eventually she replied “Maggie, I can’t just come back. I need to know why you phoned me in a total mess and can’t really make coherent sentences. Did you fall again? Hit your head somewhere? Are you ok?”

The sobs wracked my already weakened body. I could tell that Sydney was becoming more and more concerned with each minute that went by. Finally she seemed to realize that talking wasn’t going to work.  I heard another phone ring and thought that this was now the end of my failed attempt at nothing. She answered it much the same as she had answered mine. All professional and work- like. It hurt to realize how much I had missed that voice. It felt like a soothing balm as she spoke to the other person on the line all the while keeping our call open. I was glad to realize that she had not given up on the sobbing mess of a Maggie that was me. The words of my speech I had prepared in my head floated through my thoughts. This was no time to sob and plead in an uncertain sobbing mess. I had to get my act together and let her know why I was calling and to tell her the words I had so long kept from her. She was not my almost. She was my everything and I needed her more than I ever could have imagined.

So when she finally ended the other phone call, I had stopped sobbing and had reached a relatively calm state.

“Ok, so Maggie, I think that if you can’t get the words out, then you must email me ok. I’m really worried about you”

“No, I said. I’m ok I can talk now.”

“Ok, So Maggie, what’s wrong?”

I took a deep breath and readied myself for the uncertain storm that might just be approaching. Readying myself for rejection, trying to ready myself for anything that might happen but knowing that even so I could never quite be ready. So I took one last deep breath and let it all out.

“So, Sydney. I called you not to sob your poor ears out but because I need to tell you something. In fact I needed to tell you this a long time ago. I was just never brave enough and let life shove it out the list of important things. I let you leave because I was too scared to fight for something that might not be returned. But as you walked out of that hospital door, I did one brave thing and even that wasn’t enough so my small simple mind gave up. It probably was the dumbest thing I have ever done. I need you Sydney because you are a part of me and without you, I feel empty and numb. Nothing feels real and it took me a dying cancer patient that I got really close to, to realize this. I can’t continue this bland existent if it’s not with you. So please will you not just come back… For me”

All the time she had been silent. Taking all my words in. So when I finally finished and waited for a response but yet got none, again that anxiousness set in. The panicking started to grow and I knew that if she didn’t respond soon I would be in yet another fit of sobbing.

“Please, Sydney, Please just come home” I said once more.

“Mags, I can’t just walk out of here. I have a job, people to save and ..”

“I love you”

If I had thought that before there was silence, now the silence was unbearable but not before I heard Sydney gulp as I said those three words. I felt the need to reinforce my statement. “ I love you and therefore I can’t let you go” …I paused for effect and then carried on “I also need you because without you, I’m lost and without you I don’t have anything to live for so please, please just come back”

“Maggie” I heard her voice break. And then I could hear her trying to stifle tears but not succeeding. “Mags.” She said with a longing in her voice that I hadn’t noticed or hadn’t cared to notice before.

Was she crying?  I couldn’t really believe it because if I did then maybe I was setting myself up for another fall so I just found myself saying that I would let her think on what I said but to please take me seriously for once. I joked that I knew it was hard for anyone to take myself seriously as I was usually a nutcase around work.

OK was the only response I got. I put the phone down and pulled my knees into my chest and let myself sob some more. I had finally done what I had needed to do so many months before and though it felt freeing it also felt incredibly terrifying knowing that she knew now how I felt and I could never hide behind being fake again. This was my turning point and with every part of me I wished that she would come back.

 

* * *

 

Days went by though and still no response. I started to think that maybe it was just another case of unrequited love. Alex could see I was going through the roughest times after my declaration of love to Sydney. She never asked what was wrong but instead just offered her arms out for hugs. I took them willingly. I needed all the hugs I could get just to get through the days.

A week later I was sitting at home moping on my bed. I had ordered pizza and it lay in the box still uneaten on my bed. I had always prided myself in not bringing food into the bedroom but today was an exception or so I told myself. I was staring at nothing in particular and thinking of nothing as well. A shrill ring broke me out of my musings and I reached out to where my phone usually would be on my bedside table. Pressing the green button I sighed and said “Maggie here,”

“Hey, Open your door” was the response I got. It was said in such a rushed way that I couldn’t manage to place the voice. I slowly dragged myself out of bed and slumped to the front door. I slowly ever so slowly unlocked the security gate and then the lock and then finally pulled open the door. I didn’t even have the chance to gaze upon the person that had interrupted my moping session when the air in my lungs was almost sucked out of me. I was grabbed in a passionate hug and held onto tightly by all too familiar arms. It all felt unreal and I thought that instead of actually going to fetch the door it had all been my imagination and I had actually died while I was lying in my bed. With an uneaten pizza lying on my bed. What horrors! And now this was heaven and me being greeted by angels. Angels personified by Sydney nevertheless.

If this was heaven and I was dead, I wouldn’t mind. Being held by arms like this forever was not bad at all. But I was interrupted from my musings yet again by words.

“Maggie, I’m sorry I took so long. It’s just work and planes. Oh Maggie, I should have realized sooner but I thought that we were only ever a one-time thing. All I did though was break your heart and I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to cause you pain or to put you through so much suffering. I was scared”.. All these words were said while her arms were wrapped securely around my waist and her mouth was placed closely by my ear. Her scent was intoxicating as expected and all of a sudden this all felt like a sick trick. I pulled myself out of her embrace. But even this wasn’t an easy task as she held on tighter.

“Maggie, I love you too. I always did I just never had the guts to acknowledge it. I only ever showed it by my futile attempts at kissing you.”

I couldn’t help the loud “Pfft” that came out of my mouth. I was still held in her embrace though, not as close and now could see the tears streaming down her beautiful face. If this was still a dream it was a really horrible one. In dreams of heavenly places, beautiful people were not meant to be crying.

“If those were futile attempts, then I wonder what a real one is like”

No sooner had those words left my mouth and lips were crashing on mine. Soft, smooth lips that I had so often longed for and felt their lingering presence on my own long after said futile attempts had occurred. This was unlike any other kiss I had had with her before. It was passionate, delicate and fiery all at the same time. She was kissing me as if her life depended on it.

I pulled away though and this time managed to successfully break free. I had to know if this was a dream and if so I had to get out of it. If it was heaven I was ok with that though. Dying would be easy if this is what awaited me.

She looked at me with a hurt confused look. “What’s wrong? Is this too much? I’m sorry but I just couldn’t keep it in. That last kiss had been on  my mind for far too long.”

I lifted up a finger and placed it on her lips to silence her. She looked even more confused.

“As much as I was savoring that kiss and would not want to end it. I need to know.. is this real? Are you real? Or am I dreaming or dead?”

The next moment she was laughing. That typically Sydney laugh that I had also missed so much.

“You thought you were dreaming? Seriously.. Damn that sucks for me. So how do I prove that I’m the real deal.. pinch you? Slap you?” She gave me a little pinch on my right cheek ,trying to confirm it for me.

Ah, I had not thought of a way of proving reality.. but I guess this was real then. She grabbed me yet again. But this time it was a careful embrace. She held me as if I was a fragile thing that could break with the slightest of mishandling and whispered in my ear. “I’m here, Mags and I’m never going anywhere but with you by my side. I love you too much”

I relaxed into her embrace. It was warm and everything I had missed.

And damn of all moments my body chose then to break into sobs but this time she was there to catch me. To hold me. And to never let go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here lies the last Chapter of my story of how Maggie got her Sydney. I hope you have enjoyed reading it!  
> I feel this last chapter is special to me and I really like how it turned out.


End file.
